Cheetos and beer

HEY EVERYBODY!  IT'S ME.  SAM.  SAM THE MAN.  SAMMY SAMMERSON. SAMMICH. I could totally go for a sammich but I can't afford bread because poor.

Anyhole, to all the trollz out there on the Twitter and the internets, I'm real.  You're not.  Here's my proof

That's me.  Sam.  44. Dad.  Twins.  Boys.  HESTON, ALEX.  Heston ate Alex though. lol. CEO of pretend company.  Banjo player.  Vegan. Catholic. Reader.  Made a book.  Out of construction paper from my construction paper company. I own hotels.  I traded my railroads for Boardwalk and Park Place.  I totally ruined Mark the goat.  He'll never play monopoly with me again lol.  I'm totally a hetro.  Non gayism.  Almost Mormon'd but I quit it at the spaceship.  I can spell construction and commercial however I do not know what they mean.  But it doesn't matter because #FakeMillionaire woot!

I'm going to get a bit more specific on my post on my batblog dated 1/7/16.  The one about strategory planning.  On books.  You see, being a fake millionaire means attempting to sell a few ebooks for a few bucks so I can be a fake millionaire + $3.00.

I have a publisher and he/she/it has a zero budget for marketing and advertising my ebook  which means there are $0.00 in the budget because poor.  So I had a really good idear because my fake publisher had zero (drinking game alert x2) dollars. And the idear was this: Use the tabloids.  You see, they all know my name just like Starbucks does.  Then I'll do a symbolic nod to the costar of that movie Castaway.  The soccer ball.  Wilson.  I think it's funny because I'm funny in my very very very private life.  Of which I blog about.  The results make me look really stupid.  I haven't sold shit lol.

I have no dreams.  At all.  I wanted my story, my truth to be out there but since I'm a pathetic liar, I make shit up and try to sell ebooks.  Witch is reely funny since I can barely reed!  Irony baby.

I'm gonna donate the $3.00 that I maid from the ebook to polygamy escape groups of witch there are none so it's going straight into mah pocket baby! lol. So I'm still in Vegas of Las and I am meating new friends.  Theres a banjo player at the sign of where all the tourismists go to get their picture taken and I talked at him.  He actually maid money from these people.  So I will copy him.  I have a banjo and a case too.  So tomorrow I will start doing that.

Is it Friday yet?  I have to fake lent lol.  No, actually I think I'll fly my concordia to the Seattle of which I live at and maybe I'll see if I can party.  With people.  I can't party with people because they don't like me.  I often carry a plastic spork and lick it when I'm nervous.  People seem to be put off by that but whateves!  lol

I tried to join Gym but I can't find his number.  I don't know how everyone joins him but I've never seen him OR have his number.  Sometimes I think it's just God testing me.  And He won again.  Ugh. lol

I love ya'll.  No I don't.  I just try to type like a 'Sam'.  Who is a flaming homo.  From the South.  Running from people who hate homos.  And such.

Remember, I AM ALWAYS WATCHING EWE

Interview with "Sam Cooper" and "the Lindz"

Hey ho everybody!  It's me! Fake Sam. Lol.  So I spouted a ton of crap over the years.  Things like being a guy, getting married, having twin boys by my whore cousin, being real lol, oh and shit like this hear:

Then this happened (again) to my twitter account:

But since Jackie can't hack, I ain't worried.

 Dear Psycho, my password is the phrase you used to refer to your cunt (stinky_ pinky).

Sincerely, me.

Then this happened:

Dear Jackie Overton,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sincerely,
Everyone on Twitter

Now "Sam" has stated on her dying blog that she has/will unleashed/unleash "the Lindz" and how everyone will be terrified.  Unless she burps or farts in my presence, I am not terrified.  I'm gonna double dog dare "the Lindz" to come at me bitch!  I am delighted to see Jackie's meltdown.  What a wack job!  What ever will she do without her fake Sam Cooper?  Who cares!  Amirite?

So this was fun:

The moment I saw the legal document, I knew Jackie was too much of a pussy to keep her nasty posts about Mary up.  I KNEW SHE WOULD DELETE IT AND, AS USUAL, I WAS RIGHT. 
Me:  #AlwaysWinning  Jackie:  #AlwaysAloser

How did I know she'd delete the posts?  This:

Jackie Overton:  you are a pussy!  Why did you delete all those posts?  Because you are afraid.  Scared.  Pussy.  Idiot.  I actually dared her to keep the posts up, she backed down because #pussy.

Now that the pussy bitch deleted her posts, I decided to call "Sam" for an interview.  It went a little something like this:

Me:  "May I speak to Samuel Jacob Cooper please"
Jackie:  "This is ka ka kelsey williams"
Me:  "Hi Kelsey, this is Agent Orange from the publication 'Catfish weekly'. Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?"
Jackie:  *burps loudly and yells for Della*
Me:  "Jackie, I know its you.  Stop with all these games.  Just tell me why you pretend to Sam aka the homosexual"
Jackie:  "He isn't a homo! He's a 44 married dad of identical twin boys heston and alex ceo of sjcinvestic 66 banjo playing vegan catholic avid reedor author of Almost Astarlia'd and Almost Human'd.  I own gas statchions.  And hotels.  And 16 construction paper companies in the nebraskas and kansas and east dakota and iowa and a few 'M' states which i cunt remember rite now...."
Me:  "Seriously Jackie, you fucked up.  The 'He" and "I" thing again.  Seriously, what the fuck?"
Jackie (in a deep fake southern accent):  "Yeah, um, this here is Sam.  Why are you poking the bear?  The Lindz will hack you if you call here again."
Me:  "Jackie, I actually gave you my password and you still can't hack me.  Are you dyslexic or something?"
Jackie ( in her 'The lindz" voice):  "fuck you fuck you fuck you i will kill you i hate you trollz and i will fuck you up bitches.  Imma get mah lawyer.."
Me:  "You can't afford it bitch"
Jackie:  (in her stupid 'Sam' voice):  "Don't call here again" click.

I call back

Della:  "Who in the tarnation is this?"
Me:  "Is Jackie there?"
Della:  "She's in the basement crying. Call back later"

Jackie will come back to twitter as Sam and the lindz again.  She has to, what will she do with 23 hours of free time now?  Get a job?  HAHAHAHA!

 First person to find the new Sam Cooper (it must be Jackie's) and shut it down gets a tee shirt.  I'm thinking something like this:

 You're welcome.

Later ya'll! 

2016 is sooo my year amirite?

Based on Jackie Overton's "Sam" post dated 1/4/16

Hey ho everyone!  Sam hear!  Single Vegan Catholic who plays a banjo.  I play with other things but I'm not asposed to talk about touching myself down their. lol. I'm a reel eggcited about what this year will mean to my life.  Like, will I escape the authorities on that pesky warrant?  Will I lose my social security disability money because I rote a book and sold 2 of them on the Amazon?  Will I ever be able to kill mamma Dell and keep the house?  You know, innocent shit like that. 

So I'm currently in Las Vegas for this hole month.  It's really Vegas of Las as only really important and rich people like myselfs are aware. Of. Lindsey goes back to Austarlia once a month for a year for her to keep up her dual citizens.  And it's gonna be hard to talk at her because Austarlia is like a bunch of hours ahead of us.  And they don't have cell phones or computers so I will really miss the Lindsay linda. Me.  Sam.  Jackie Overton.  Both my characters are so boring.....I'm gonna fix that.

So Lindz got her period.  I say she's my friend but lets face facts, I don't trust anything that bleeds for 10 days and still lives.  It's just unnatural.  She needs a break.  I haven't decided which bone.  The weird thing about LIndz getting her period is this:
She's a vampire.
She was bitten in Austarlia by a lesbian vampire.  Are there lesbian vampires?  I always thought vampires were bisexual.  I used to pretend I was a vampire and I wore my bedsheet as a cape and jumped off the couch but since I'm 505 pounds, I broke the couch. I twisted my ankle real bad too.  Mamma Dell is still pissed off about the couch.  She was even more mad when she found my stash of roofies under there lol. Screw her!  If she didn't want a 505 pound psychopath daughter, she shouldn't have acted like the town pump.  She really got around.  And I got round. Lol.  Anyhole...as her going away party I took her to a very expensive meal at Wendys.  I own a portion of stock there!  I stole all their straws so I am a stock owner.  They'll restock of course, but for now, I am a stock holder.  And a vegan so I ate the cheeseburger.  All vegans eat cheeseburgers.  It's like lent in reverse.  For those of you who don't understand lent, it's a very complicated ritual for me, the Catholic.  And I just don't feel like using google to look it up and understand it so I'll tell you this, it involves ketchup.  And wine.  Possibly a priest.  And a young, fair woman.  Who attracts the attention of the young priest.  They stare at each other longingly as the ketchup is passed.  Beads of sweat appear on his brow and she sighs heavily as her dirty pillows rise up and down....

Sorry I got distracted, I was helping my dog find the peanut butter.  There.  At my special place.  So as a special treat for Lindz's going away to Austarlia, I followed her to the Casino at Vegas of Las and she said she had to go "keep the party going".  I didn't understand since Lindz is butt ugly.  She's so ugly her mamma shaved her ass and made her walk backward.  She's so ugly, the vampire who turned her ended up killing herself with a silver bullet.  30 times.  She didn't leave a note.  So we'll never know what happened.  Trust me, she ugly!  I asked her what did she mean by "keeping the party going" and she said she just knocks on doors and asks people to invite her in.  No one invites her in.  She has to follow the migrant workers to get her 'fix'.  You know, b l o o d.  Cuz that's what vampires eat.  So to make her trip to Austarlia as special as it can be, she let me pick out her coffin.  She has to travel that way because vampire.

I hope she likes it, this is what I selected:

So I rote some goals for this year:

1) Adopt twin boys, can't gut them until after May 2017 when the adoption is officialized
2) Google the phrase 'court order'.  I don't know what it means and I continually use it lol
3) Find a new victim, again. All the old ones figured me out.
4) Don't get doxed (lol, fucked up already)
5) Figure out who how to protect myself from the Russian IPs.  It's ok though, the author of jackieoverton.blogspot.com uses IPs from all over the world.  You're welcome!  You may want to understand the phrase 'Brute force'...
6) Call the Twitter police department and tell them there are trolls there.
7) Be a better troll.
H) Pretend to be a man
I) Pretend to have feelings

So I have to get an adoption attorney at lawyer, for my bail.  But since I can't afford one, Miranda will issue me one.  I think I understood that cop, I don't know who Miranda is but I am still waiting on a call.  I hope she's blonde.  And I really hope the carpet matches the drapes.

So the book is coming out soon.  The one I wroted.  I have to use stragetory to finger out when to release it.  Also there's a problem with hiding funds so I have to see if mamma Dell will open a paypal account so that I can get payed.  My monkey is lethargic and won't eat cheetos.

I gotsa go, Lindz is picking at her scabs and sucking her own blood.  She's a lousy vampire lol

Chitlins

Based on Jackie Overton's "Sam" post dated 12/5/2015

Hey everybody lol.  It's Sam lol.  And I have quite the Kendrandrum.  See yesterday I went to orentation of the people who want to make adoption at the STATE OF ILLINOIS of which I attended and it was a hole hour.  Imagine that.  Orientation for potential adoptive parents.  One hour only.  So they issued me one of those numbers like what rich people get when they shop for lunch meat at the deli counter.  It's a complex system that spits out tickets with numbers on them.  I was issued number 505 which is Jackie Overton's current weight lol.

I went in their with a list of questions like:

how are babies made?
How long is it if I put my order in for 2 whiteys?
They must be twins.
They must be boys.
Non - J.E.W.S cuz Catholic

Anyhole their wuz only 4 people their.  Mel Gibson, Madonna, Elvis and me.  Since I am so much richer than them all combined, I think they'll call me first.  I almost didn't go becauz Tom Cruize was asposed to be their but his spaceship never arrived so lol for that.  I went home with a head full of information.  Like how to make this meeting more believable for you, the reedor of my famous blog.  And the way I do that is by telling you that anyone that says I'm a lair is infact, an untruth teller.  Or simply put, a troll.  On twitter.  Where I live. At.

So my whore of a cousin got herself knocked up.  By a man.  With a penis.  They are due in March. They are boy twins.  Cuz twin girls must be eaten before they get dirty pillows.  So my cousin, the whore, wants to give up the unborn babies.  Since she ain't keeping them, I kind of want them.  To add to my collection of stuff I really don't have like:

a guitar
a friend named Mark
any friends at all
any property
dreams, goals or aspirations

You know, the usual!

I'm gonna have to mediate or meditate or summthing like that about the question of weather or not to adopt her bastard boys.  I think perhaps I should put a poll on the twitter about it so I will.  lol.  All the terrorist accounts that follow me (because I purchased followers with my $2.32 of income from my book on the Amazon) will all vote I'm sure!   Speaking of Amazon, I have a helper their.  His name is Eugene.  See:
https://twitter.com/EugeneAmazon1  So for all u haters, suck on that! lol

So Maybe I don't want to adopt the boys (seriously Jackie, you dedicate half your idiot post to fake twins and the whore cousin and now you maybe don't want to??? Wackjob!) and maybe I may just purchase twin boys domestic or inter national.  They get shipped in a fedex box.  With holes so they don't asuffacate. I seriously didn't think I had this many choices!  Anyhole, my whore couzin's daughter (did I miss something here?  I can't keep up with all the imaginary people) talked to me about kinship adoption, yes it's a real wurd, google duh!  She said that she needs to get on with her life and there's no room for bastard twin boys in the crack den of which is where she lives, with couzin.  At a location unknown.  Because when I invent people, I rarely give locations.  I am geographically ignorant lol. So I'm gonna check with mamma dell to see if we can get a few crates for the twin boys and then on Monday I'll contact family law for bail and shit.

I NEED GOD TO HELP ME DECIDE.  Pasgetti or hamburger bun?  Witch is more better for infants?

Till next time, I am Sam.  Vegan.  Catholic. Single.  Banjo player.  Psychopath.

Photo credit is from a Twitter user (former victim of Jackie Overton).  I sadly cannot remember the user but will credit source once I locate her (with her permission).