50 Things about Me

I got emailed from someone who asked me it and I didn't answer because I didn't reed all of it because I need help reeding sometimes when words have more than 4 letters in them. And so I picked out the questions that I found interesting. And answered them.
Q: On a level from 1 to batshit, how crazy are you?
A: Tomato
Q:  How come "Sam" is married to a WOMAN?  I mean, like, aren't you gay????
A: Being gay doesn't mean I can't marry a woman.  It's not in the rule book
Wait, what?  I'm not gay ya'll!  It doesn't count if I only had ass sex with a man once.  You stupid trolls need to #$%^&*
Q:  How come you don't show any of your photos?  None of you, none of your "wife", none of "Alex" and "Heston, none of your cousin, (the list goes on)
A:  Here's a photo brought to you from Jackie's orange tinged (cheeto) right foot.

Now ya'll, don't ya'll be stealing that photo and creating a Twitter called "Jackie's Right Foot" cuz that would really suck.
Q:  Busted! You are supposed to be "Sam" but posted your (Jackie Overton) foot. 
A:  BANNED/BLOCKED/TROLL!
Anyhole, my wife has been complaining about a sore throat lately.  I figured it was due to her blowing me but then I remembered, I don't have a dick so it couldn't be that.  And then it hit me, sore throat means pregnant so I went to the dollar store and purchased a pee stick and took it home and gave it to her and she said she didn't have to pee right now so I stuck it down her throat and guess what?  Not pregnant.  But she has syphillis.  So I am trying to politely tell her to sleep next door.  Where her half of the condum is.  At.  But she took vitamins and she's all better now.

The end.

Remember, Jackie's foot is always watching EWE

Basghetti and Sluts

Friday night after work I flew my family to London via Austarlia and got in a little later than I wanted to (because of wife and her condition witch I will tell you about in another blog post but not now) Butt it worked out.  We got the boys fed.  Mickey Dees is famous for their vegan selection.  Vegan cheeseburgers, fries and bacon for the twins.   Uncle Drew (who the hell is Uncle Drew?) and my wife don't get along.  Drew keeps insisting that I'm not real, Shyster wife says I am real and he's a troll.  So they don't get along.  Plus he wants to mate with her.  Poke her.  Do it with her.  Bump uglies with her.  Doing McNasty.  Play on all fours.  Play hide the sausage.  You know, DO SEX TO HER.  She got creeped out because 1) she and I, I and she are marriage and B:) She thinks "doing it" with a guy who has 6 toes on each foot is super gross.  He's an inbred.  Like me.  but I didn't get the 6 toes on each foot.  I got sharks teeth.  Only 2 rows.  My teeth fall out all the time Lol.  So they are civil to each others but if either one starts talking then all heck brakes lose.  Gosh durnit in tarnation they really get Ramonatiol.  And they have pissing matches.  Drew always wins because the target is the spot in the wall where he put his fist thru and he has good aim.  And a penis.  My wife can barely spell her name in the snow.  Don't ya'll think it's high time I make a new paragraph? 
Alrighty then.  So on Saturday morning I woke up.  Farted.  Went wee-wee in the potty.  Brushed my 96 teeth.  Drew's wife who should be referred to as my aunt but isn't on the batshitblog made us breakfasts.  I was not impressed.  It was Basghetti and it wasn't canned like the spensive kind.  Lol.
Geez guys, where do I begin.  Ugh. Lol. We went to get ready to meet birth parents.  Of babies.  Possibly mine.  AND AS A REMINDER MY LITTLE SLUT COUSIN GOT REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY DRUNK.  REALLY. And had a one night standing with a hobo.  IN THE STREET FOR CHRIST SAKE.  So she's never gonna make it to the indoor picnic table to eat breakfast.  Golly gee willikers!
Oh and she didn't use a condominium. And then she said she was on the pill but that's a lie because she "claims" and he was all like "yea dude, I rubbered up" but none of their stories match up unless she fucked several hobos and didn't remember them all.  That makes more cents.  Oh, and if she was all on the "pill", hows come I have Alex and Heston?  You can't just take a tylenol and say to yourself "hey, I think I'll get totally legless and fuck anything that crawls" and expect to be protected.  Let that be a lesson to all the sluts and whores.  
So rule number one:
No fucking hobos in the street
I don't know what is going on in her cotton doodie head but she learned a valuable lesson lol
Rule number B:
Don't fuck hobos in the street when your daughter is watching.  You apossed to charge extra for that.
Idiots!
So I think I'll give you a progress update on the twin boys of witch I own.  Alex is now enrolled for online courses because he is so smart.  He's 6" just like me.  He walks goodly with the leash now.  It took some getting used to.  He was a little wobbly at first walking on his hind legs but he got the hang of it real fastly. Gosh he amazes me.
Heston is fine.  We think he's retarded.  So we're pretty much here to give him back to his slut birth mother and hobo crack dad.  I don't want Alex to catch it.

I tried to have ear sex with Sara the Nanny on this trip but she couldn't because Catholic.  I think I have a few roofies under my couch....
So I interviewed the hobo biological paternal unit of the boys and guess what, I think these 2 boys are fathered by different semen suppliers.  This guy smelled drunk and he didn't shake my hand.  Heston smells drunk and won't shake my hand.  He weighs 175 pounds.  Heston weighs 175 pounds.  So I didn't make him wash his hands when I gave him Heston.  I don't think he understands that it's for keepseys.  No give backs.
Seeing my little cousin (Jackie, can you give ALL these characters names, mk?) walk with a man she had bumped uglies with made me feel weird.  I was jealous.  For the longest time I was the only one she would bump uglies with.  Lol
So I will not spend 3 fucking paragraphs explaining how family photos are taken (Jackie, srsly, stop boring us) however we all were ready and this dude relative of my ex-adopted child totally photobombed the pic and I was all like "not cool dude."  I couldn't say fuck or shit or piss or cunt or son of a bitch or cock sucking motherfucker because the wife was there and wormens turn into sluts if they hear curse words.  Where was I again? Oh yes, "not cool dude" and he was all like "dude back the fuck off" and I was all like "oh it.is.on" so we went in the back yard and made out for an hour.  I didn't get to see his Mr. Winky though so that's sad.
I LOVE ALL MY REEDORS AND FANS AND I HAVE A FAKE FACEBOOK NOT REALLY BUT PRETEND BUT ANYHOLE I HAVE NEWLY ACQUIRED PHOTOS THAT I STOLED OF OF THE WORLD WIBE WEB  AND PRETEND NOW THAT IT IS MY VACATION I REALLY FUCKING HATE IT WHEN THE CAPS LOCK STICKS

DON'T FORGET,
I
WILL
ALWAYS
BE
WATCHING
EWE

#CMD

Based on Jackie Overton's post "GBR"

"Born in Nebraska we left when I was 3".  Why doesn't this bitch make money on ebooks?  Cuz the bitch writes like a 5 year old.  Also:  liar liar pants on fire

I'll make it better.

I was conceived in the back of a pick up truck.  Mamma Dell doesn't like to talk 'bout that much however when she is a drinkin' the codeine, she'll tell me how her and my pa done did have sexual intercourse in the rusted out bed of a moonshiner's pick up truck.  It was some sort of sin to be having sexual relations out of wedlock but Mamma was a bit of a whore.  Kind of like how Judas was a bit of a traitor.  I done did google that and I'm pretty shure it was Judas who tolded the Romanians that Jesus made fish out of wine.  And so they had to crucify him and that is why we get wine at the Catholic instead of fish.  Cuz Jesus.  And God.  Doesn't God just rock your socks off?  he does mine! Lol

Anyhole, Mamma Dell soon found out that my pa did plant demon seed into her belly and so they had to have a shotgun wedding.  It's where they fire shotguns to celebrate the wedding.  Pa tried to run off to Texas to escape Crazy Mamma Dell (CMD) and her sinning ways but Mamma did track him down and decided to rent a greyhound to take her and me to Texas to find pa.  That dog took it's sweet ass time getting us there.  It was so long (that's what she said), Mamma Dell went and got herself another baby in her tummy on the way to Texas. 

Once we arrived in the Texas and found pa, he did not want to let us in his house.  He said Mamma was carrying a demon child of bastardity.  To escape the clutches of Mamma, Pa did return to our little shack on crack nestled behind the sewage treatment plant in the Detroiot, Nebraska Wyoming.

I plan on returning to the Detroit, Nebraska Wymoning for a retreat and I'm going to take fake wife and fake twins with me.  It's always healing when I return home.  The smell of sewage really brings back memories Lol.  Memories of people always avoiding me.  Memories of that time I kidnapped that woman and she escaped.  That time when she died and hit the electricks pole and I had no TV reception on the TV in house shed for a week.  And I plan on crying in front of Alex and Heston.  Cuz that's good parenting.  Let them see me cry for Ryan....

Dear Ryan,

If you were alive today I would have you in my house shed.  I would try to parental unit you.  I would make sure I always had cheetos on the floor for you.  I would let you cut heads from magazines of reality TV people and I would show you how to stick them onto red JELLO floor.  I would also tell you why I think JELLO needs to be all upper case, cuz caps rule Lol

I would tell you all about that one time at band camp.  I would help you build mega desk.  I would never lay you out and fill your mouth with your mother's shit.  I would tell you what you did last summer.

But you're not alive, are you?

You selfish twat.  You left earth.  You got to see the aliens and go into the sky.  I hate you.  Bastard!

Love,

SAM

I'm getting all Ramonational, give me a moment...talk amongst yourselves.  I'll give you a subject, how many layers of fantasical is Barbra Streisand and why.

I'm going to take the fake twins to Mamma Dell's grave site when we get there.  She ain't dead yet but the bitch can't live forever.  Lol

So back to Ryan.  I will let the twins know how much I wanted Ryan.  How I wanted to caress him.  How I wanted to tongue kiss him.  How much it hurts me that I don't have him.  Fake wife is real good about letting me not talk about it, it gets awkward in the bed when I am on her and shout "Oh Ryan!".  Sometimes I take my dog for a "walk" to get the feelings of Ryan off me.  I forget to breath sometimes and have to remind myself  "breath in breath out".  Yes, I am that fucking stupid.  Lol

People make me nervous.  I let the Lindz do handshaking.  I can't because it's dirty and dirty girls go where?  To the prayer closet.  It just seems so dangerous to shake hands and talk at humans.  Like what if they point and laugh at me?  Again.  Or sing that "CATFISH CATFISH, YOU'RE A FUCKING CATFISH".  Again.  It bothers me that so many people know about that Jackie Overton person of witch I'm not.  At all.  Of. Apposidly.

So I always wanted to go to Chicago because that's where they invented Cheetos.  Orange.  Crunchy.  So good for you.  Cheetos.  Since I feel deeply connected to Chicago, I lie and tell people I live there.  Lol.  That will be our little secret.  I ain't never been to Chicago but I seen a pichure show 'bout it once. 

Another lie I keep telling is about SJC:  complete bullshit and fake company that I pretend I own.  But that's cuz I'm 50 shades of crazy.

Thanks for sticking by me so long reedors of my superior intelligent.  That crazy glu really freakin works. Lol

Don't forget,

I AM ALWAYS WATCHING EWE

 

I'm your backdoor man

Hey ho everybody , Sam here ya'll lol.

So I wasn't able to blog for a while because I made a purchase of something quite sizable.  Being rich and almost famous is boring.  Sure I have some fun telling all you readers that I married a Shyster but that story line is just so fucking lame.  The fake twins, also fucking lame.  Fake Catholic, yawns....I should have been fake Scientologist, now THAT'S a cult just asking for someone just like me.  Crazy.  Paranoid.  Stalkerish.  Yep.   Anyhole I just know ya'll are wondering what I purchased so I'll tell you what I purchased even though I am an extremely private person who doesn't share real photos, real facts or real anything with you, the reador of my superior intelligent.  I bought a rocket and went to space.  Yes really.  Anyone who calls me a liar is a troll so the trolls can go !@##$.  Wow, I really got upset there didn't I lol

So I went to the rocket store place where kachillionares like myself, the Sam, go to purchase such things.  There was a waiting list and I called the Lindz on her prepaid motorola phone to do something about that.  So she went to the store for kachillionares and told them if they didn't get my rocket, she was gonna show them her tits.  WOW, I never saw employees work that quick to ensure I had my rocket within minutes.  They sure are swell! Not a single human in that place wanted to see the Lindz's titties.  To tell you the truth, I wouldn't want to see them either.  Because I'm straight up Flaming Homosexual.  I'm so happy I picked a religion (the Catholic) that is totally ok with my homosexualism.  I think there's a feast day dedicated to us gays but I don't need a day to feast my gayness, I do that everyday!  Lol

So then I went to pilot school, not the fake pilot school I went to before for my pretend Cessna,  but rocket pilot school for Astronaut entrepreneurs like myself. While I was at pilot school there was a lovely man named Dick who taught us how to use the brakes on the rocket.  I liked his style.  I liked it a lot.  I asked him out for drinks after he commended me for being his very best student ever.   He said yes!

I was so nervous and afraid I was going to go number one in my panties so I decided to wear extra panties, you know, for layers.  I guess wearing my days of the week underwears all at the same time was bad for my circulation because my feet went numb so I took off the Monday and Tuesday panties in the eating establishment bathroom.  I exited the stall to go look in the mirror to make sure my daisy duke shorts didn't make my ass look too big (they did, my butt was the size of Texas) and guess who was standing there, go on, guess...It was Dick!  He told me he wasn't able to stay for dinner and I was crushed.  Like my heart got ripped from my body and was astampered on (yes it's a fucking work asshole) but he said he would totally make it up to me. Right there in the men's bathroom!  He rammed his rocket into myspace.  And gee his hair smelled terrific.  He said he was gonna call me but it's been 2 weeks and no call.  Probably cuz I don't have a phone lol, too poor!  I should ask the Lindz to steal one for me, that's how she gets hers.

So I graduated top of my class in Top Gun Astronaut Entrepreneurs school.  I was the only student in my class AND I had ass sex with the teacher so I was pretty much going to get that award.

The second I graduated I warmed up the rocket and shot my load into space.  It was fun with all the space stuff I saw like:
Clouds
Dark
Space
Stars
Worm holes
 Pillsbury dough boy
 And I had an excellent ground crew so it was a pretty good time.

Being a kachillionare, flaming homo, 6", Vegan Catholic who plays banjo really isn't that bad!

And now onto some of my untruths....so like member that time when I did this:

and I was all like "I ain't deleting this post ya'll cuz I'm not ascared"

I lied!

LOL ya'll

member, I am always watching EWE